Fred Bayone, Style and Entertainment
This is going to date me, but when I was a kid growing up, there were about five, and only five, things to do during the summer and after school. They were, not necessarily in priority order:
1. Ride a bike;
Escape in Progress
2. Play “kick the can,” hide and seek, kick ball, or flashlight tag with neighborhood friends;
3. Chase lightning bugs and trap them in a jar, poking holes in the top to ensure they can breathe (and eventually escape overnight into your bedroom);
4. Go down to the creek and throw rocks at water bugs, frogs, or any other wildlife that moved;
5. Lie down on the grass and watch the clouds drift by while complaining how boring it was because there were only four things to do as a kid.
That’s it. After several years of this, it was time to grow up, go to high school, mow some lawns, fall for a girl named Jenny or Michelle, wreck the car, and go to college. Very straight forward. Very simple. No paperwork involved.
Now, with two young kids at home, I often wonder how it is that while life for them may have gotten a bit more exciting, it’s also gotten a lot more complicated. My days playing as a kid involved virtually zero parental supervision. “Neighborhood Watch” was not a sign posted on your street, but something that every parent did as a matter of course from afar. Kids made their own fun, on their own, and parents were happy to let them.
To remind me of just how much times have changed, here’s a conversation between my wife Mindy and me when I got home from work the other night:
Mindy: “Thank God you’re home. Before we have dinner, I need you to sit down and fill out these forms. It will just take a few minutes.”
Me: “Forms? For what? I’ve seen enough forms at work today.”
Mindy: “They need the signatures of both parents on most of these forms. The sooner you read and sign them, the sooner we can get the kids into bed and eat.”
Me: “OK, what’s this one?”
Mindy: “Well, apparently some of the kids at school were found to have lice. It’s going around, you know? This is a form LC182 the school wants us to have notarized declaring we will check our own kids for lice three times a week, and keep them out of school for two weeks should they be infested with lice themselves, under penalty of law, CSL119-D.”
Me: “Our kids don’t have lice. Why should we have to sign a-”
Mindy: “Either you sign, or Shawn does not go to school.”
Me: “OK, OK, where do I sign?”
Mindy: “Here. And here. Here. And one more right here.
Me: “OK, now what’s this form?”
Mindy: “Wait a minute, you also need to initial these seven boxes as well.”
Me: “For Heaven’s sake, it’s just-”
Mindy: “Now, this is field trip form FTF867594 for next week. They’re going to the zoo. This removes the school from any and all liability if there is an accident on the bus ride to the zoo, our child is lost, or there is a problem with one of the animals harming our child.”
Me: “One of the animals doing what?”
Mindy: “Just sign here. Now this next one has to be in by tomorrow. This is PSH 699-A-75, the form we we got from the hospital that we have to file with the State of California certifying that we have the child safety seats properly installed in our car, that we have received instruction and certification on maintenance of the seats, and that we will comply with all warnings related to use of the product.”
Me: “I don’t remember being certified in-”
Mindy: “You need to take the on-line certification course tonight. It’s a 30 minute test, and you’ll need to review this manual before you take the test. Now this next form is very important as well.”
Me: “I can’t wait. What is it?”
Mindy: “This form is from the California Highway Patrol, and it authorizes them to post an Amber alert on either of our children in the event of a kidnapping. Sign right here.”
Me: “A kidnapping? Why do we-”
Mindy: “Now this next form contains the Megan’s Law web address you need to refer to when you’re on line tonight so that we can sign up for authorization to map the home and addresses of all registered sex offenders within a five mile radius of our house.”
Me: “I see. You know, I think I’m losing my appetite. Maybe we can just-”
Mindy: “Go out tonight instead? No, I don’t think so. The babysitter the Jefferson’s recommended hasn’t turned in her Red Cross Babysitting and Care giving certification forms 209FD and 31D24, and I’m not comfortable she’s qualified.”
Me: “The Jefferson’s? Aren’t those the kooky neighbors who won’t let our kids swim in their pool?”
Mindy: “They say they are still waiting on the standard A45 rider on their insurance policy absolving them of any liability should our kids drown, slip, or fall within 100 feet of their pool.”
Me: “Oh, well they can just take a hike.”
Mindy: “Did you say “hike” or “bike?” I hope you didn’t say “bike.” Don’t say “bike” around Shawn. He was in tears today because I had to return his bike to the store. I literally had to yank it out of his little hands.”
Me: “That’s a brand new bike. Why did you do that?”
Mindy: “We got a notice from the manufacturer that it was recalled due to defective spokes. There have been 13 instances where children have fallen off due to defective wheels and suffered grave injury, paralysis, and even death. We had to return the bike by today or failure to comply with RECALL NOTICE AB67555-67-AWQ-13 – this form right here – would have put us out of compliance with CA SL143-A23.”
Me: “I see. You know, when I was a kid, my bike was missing half the spokes and I used to-”
Mindy: “Please stop playing around. Now here’s the SPORTS RELATED INJURY/DEATH Circular 52F that needs to be in by Friday if you want Joanne to play pee-wee softball this season.”
Me: “Mindy, Joanne is only six years old.”
Mindy: “Can’t play without it.”
Me: “And what’s this?”
Mindy: “This is license registration form NN5TT0-8 that we need to send in to the manufacturer’s of Net Nanny, the software you need to install on each of our home computers to prevent on-line predators from preying on our children over the Internet.”
Me: “And this?”
Mindy: “This is sign up sheet NW775-B for Neighborhood Watch this weekend. If you fill it out now, you can probably get a time slot that doesn’t require you to be on watch past 3:00 a.m. this Saturday.”
Me: “And what’s this last one?”
Mindy: “Oh, it’s harmless. This one is petition LB7754 that the children were circulating at school today calling for the end of discrimination and imprisonment of lightning bugs.”
Copyright The Saturday Morning Post 2008 All Rights Reserved
When I was a kid the Chinese were going to sell us the rope to hang ourselves with. As it turned out Hugo and his Citgo puke pals were going to sell us the gasoline to burn ourselves at the stake with. NSA is looking and listening to everything. Nobody sees the enemy on the corner selling us socialism and trying like hell to destroy the country. The government basically has sold us out. The country comes first and the government is now bankrupt and working on bankrupting all the business to go global. Look where going global got you. Now the American citizen is the enemy and the socialist scum are all best buddies down in Worshingtan. There’s a whole lot of people sitting on a whole lot of stolen property. Now they all want paid. Don’t we all.
Um, would you be interested in a correspondent’s job at Writing Frontier?
SMP