The Saturday Morning Post

Gordon Mensley, Contributing Editor

When the U.S. Congress, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and numerous state’s Attorney Generals finish investigating who’s behind the recent financial crisis that brought us to the brink of another Great Depression, I vote that they turn their attention next to a segment of our economy where heads really ought to roll  — insurance companies.

Maybe you are unlike me.  Maybe you are not a careful person.

Last known photo of Billy Marshall

Maybe you or your teenage kids are lousy drivers and have wrecked the SUV as often as you change your underwear.  Maybe you are just, well, stupid and have accidentally left the gas stove on while rushing off to vacation so that you lost your house and everything in it to a tragic fire.  Or maybe you were sued because you let your neighbor’s kids build a 300 foot high ramp over the top of your mobile home and they still cannot find Billy Marshall or his skateboard.

If your life has ever involved any or all of these accidents or anything like it, and you were glad you had insurance to cover you, well, good for you.  I guess it’s fair to say that you got your money’s worth.

Now what about me? 

Maybe it’s just luck.  Maybe I’m a little more careful than the next guy.  I don’t know.  But I have never been in nor caused a car accident.  Not even a scratch.  My basement has never flooded leaving my prized collection of Playboy magazines and – well, let me just say my basement has never flooded.  No tornado or hurricane has left me dazed outside my demolished home in front of CNN cameras clutching a picture of my dog or cat who were blown from Texas to Oklahoma.  While I am thankful these things have never happened, I assure you I am none the richer for it.  As in, by my calculations, I have doled out $126,547.32 since I started to pay for insurance twenty years ago, and I have never, not once, collected a dime for this tax.

I say “tax” because in my mind, that’s what insurance is.  You can buy a car, but you can’t drive it without insurance.  You can own or rent a house, but you can’t live in it without insurance.  Now that I think of it, insurance is actually worse than a tax for people like me who have never had to use it.  At least with a tax, you get something for your money.  The police fight crime.  The library stays open until nine.  And Congress monitors and regulates investment practices to ensure we don’t lose a trillion dollars in assets overnight.   Or do they?

To make matters worse, I took a look at my life insurance policy.  As far as I can tell, it’s the only insurance policy I have that I know with certainty will return real money on my investment.  But if I am reading the fine print correctly, I apparently have to die to collect it.  This got me to thinking.  Is there an afterlife?  Can you spend money in it?  If I am reincarnated, can I collect on the policy?  Last week, these questions and the thought of dying to make money, as well as all these wasted insurance payments finally got to me.  I stayed home from work, sat around depressed, and thought about all the things I could buy with $126,547.32  The list was endless.  One year of college for my son at a State University.  A bigger basement for my collection.  AIG.  61,230 Quarter Pounders with cheese.  Two tanks of gas for my Winnebago.  At lunch, I took a walk down the driveway in my pajamas and got the mail.

Much to my surprise, there was a letter from my insurance company, one that I have reprinted verbatim below for your reading pleasure:

“Dear Mr. Mensley:

It has come to our attention that you are among an elite group of customers out of the 83 million Americans we have insured since our company’s founding in 1908 that has not filed a single claim for an insurable event.  Our records indicate there are only twelve other policy holders like you in our company’s one-hundred year history.  We estimate that we have taken you for a total of $126,547.32  We also estimate that you would like to choke us to death for taking so much hard earned money from you when you, as our valued policy holder, have received absolutely nothing from us in return.  As part of our company’s Good Neighbor Policy, as well as our Centennial Celebration Promotional Sales Event, we would like to offer you compensation for the financial hardship and mental anguish we are certain your payments to us have likely caused over the years.”

Now they were talking.  I read on:

“While federal and state law prohibits us from providing direct financial compensation for your wasted payments . . .”

Now they were not talking.

“We would like to offer you the choice of three consolation prizes from which you must select one option by midnight, November 15, 2008 (void where prohibited by law):

1.  Full auto, property, and liability damage coverage for you and any of your automobiles (Winnebago not included) involved in a head-on crash at a speed of your choice into:

Up to and including candy aisle

a.  the store front of any participating 7-11 or Carl’s Jr  stores, up to and including the cashier’s counter, candy aisle, and all plate glass doors and windows;

b. the living room, master bedroom, or kitchen of any home within a 5 mile radius of your zip code;

c.  the rear end of any of our company autos displaying the “Good Hands” corporate logo stopped at a red light or in stand-still traffic driven by personnel at the district manager and above level (crash speed not to exceed 55 mph).

(Crash helmets, burn suits, and safety goggles provided courtesy of Willie’s Racing Gear, Annapolis, MD)

2.  Round trip airfare, rental car, and full police protection for you, family members and two (2) guests for the purposes of ransacking and looting of goods from homes or businesses not yet re-occupied and adversely affected during Hurricanes Gustav or Ike, not to exceed $50,000 in value.

3.  61,230 Quarter Pounders with cheese.  (Offer while supplies last)”

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