The Saturday Morning Post

Craig Bengle, Washington Bureau Chief

I figured something like this would happen, just not so fast.

Now that there is finally agreement on this massive government bailout of Wall Street , a pair of men were seen recently going door to door in our neighborhood with brief cases and clipboards and very serious looks on their faces. My eight-year old son, David, mistaking the men for yet another set of Barack O’Bama volunteers he could taunt, foolishly dashed to the door. I sunk my head below the newspaper and listened in from the living room.

David: “You’re at the wrong house, misters. We’re voting for John McCain.”

IRS Employee #1: We’re not here for a campaign, son. We’re with the IRS and we’re here to talk about your long term obligation to the “EMERGENCY ECONOMIC STABILIZATION ACT.”

David: “Dad, there’s two men here who want to talk to you about that plan you’ve been cursing. They-”

IRS Employee #2: “Actually, son. It’s you that we want to speak to.”

David: “Me?”

IRS Employee #1: “Yes, you. Are you David Bengle of 1011 Madison Way?”

David: “Yes, that’s me. But if you’re here because of all the yelling my dad’s been doing about the bail out-”

I sunk my head down even further below the newspaper.

IRS Employee #1: “Mr. David Bengle,” his voice grew ominous, “we’re here to reach an agreement with you as to how you plan to cover your end of the $2,600 you now owe the government for the aforementioned rescue plan, also known as the EMERGENCY ECONOMIC STABILIZATION ACT OF 2008.”

David: “Sir, I’m only eight years old. Why don’t you ask my dad for it?”

Traitor.

IRS Employee #2: “We understand that, David. But every man, woman, and child in this country is now personally responsible for their share of the $1,000,000,000,000 bail out package, you included. Your mother and father already file itemized returns with the IRS. We need to discuss your personal liability.”

David: “Well, if you say so. I don’t have any money, really. Maybe like a $1.50 of allowance.”

IRS Employee #2: “What about that red bike in the driveway? Is that yours?”

David: “Yes, but I just got that-”

IRS Employee #2: “So now we’re looking at $2,550. What else have you got?”

David: “I guess I have to go to a bank and borrow money, or something. Can you come back Monday?”

IRS Employee #1: “I’m afraid that’s not possible. The banks are out of money to lend, and even if they could give you a loan, that would only balloon the size of the federal bailout as well as your own payment liability.”

David: “So what am I supposed to do?”

IRS Employee #2: “You’re going to have to sign here, here, and here,” he said, tersely, “And now I’m going to read you a statement of fact regarding your FINANCIAL RESCUE PLAN FOR AMERICA obligations, as well as have you select some “Standard of Living Reduction Options” you will commit to today in order to ensure your future repayment. Is that clear?”

David: “I guess so. I’m only eight, you know.”

IRS Employee #1: “Yes, that’s part of the problem. You will reach adulthood in ten years. In ten years, your remaining balance owed of $2,600, minus the red bike, in today’s money, invested and compounded with interest, and in then-year 2018 dollars . . . Hey, are you following me?”

David: I”m sorry. You got me to thinking about my bike. “

IRS Employee #1: “We need you to start thinking about $64,912.15, David.”

David: “Sixty-four thousand what?”

IRS Employee #2: “That’s what you’re going to owe to the Federal Treasury as your part of the deal. What this means essentially, David, is that in order for you to pay for your part of the subprime mortgage debacle and all of the related excesses of Wall Street that have created this financial crisis, you and everyone in your generation are going to have to reduce your standard of living and simply do with less in the future. We have outlined several options from which you need to choose.”

I watched out of the corner of my eye as he handed a form to David, and began to read aloud.

“Therefore be it resolved that David Bengle of 1011 Madison Way, upon reaching the age of maturity, will forego four of the following five options in order to provide said restitution to the United States Treasury:

a) Tuition, room, and board equivalent to one year at a University-”

David: “School sucks. I pick that one.”

IRS Employee #1: “He’s not finished. Hear him out.”

IRS Employee #2: “b) Engagement ring, wedding, and honeymoon in Los Cabos, Mexico for you and Susie Stamplestein of 1364 Madison Way upon reaching the age of twenty-five.”

David: “Gross. Are you kidding me? That stupid red-headed girl at the bus stop? This is easy. No thank you.”

IRS Employee #2: “c) A red BMW Z-8 convertible, fully loaded, with sports package and competition wheels.”

David: “I just knew this would get harder.”

IRS Employee #2: “d) Three years of top flight nursing home care for both of your parents in a garden apartment with ocean view at Senior’s Sunrise.”

Don’t let me down, son.

David: “Ocean view? I don’t think so, Mister. The cost of ocean view-”

Double-traitor.

IRS Employee #2: “e) Finally, two season’s tickets, for life, for an NFL team of your choice.”

David: “Ouch. So what you’re saying is kids my age are going to have to live within our means, unlike our parents, in order to pay for this mess for the rest of our lives? Is that it?”

IRS Employee #1: “That’s basically it, yes. Now you need to choose and sign right here.”

David: “I’ll give up everything but the college tuition. Eventually we’re going to have to get smarter than this.”

Copyright 2008 The Saturday Morning Post – All Rights Reserved