The Saturday Morning Post

Craig Bengle, Washington Bureau Chief

I just don’t have the stomach to watch these debates. Not McCain-Obama. Not Palin-Biden. I’m not sure why, but after half a lifetime in politics, I must have mellowed. I have developed an intense dislike, indeed a squeamishness, of tuning in for the ninety minutes of hand to hand combat these debates are meant to produce.

I know of no other way to describe the anxiety they stir up in me other than to conjure up an image of a terrible car wreck. Imagine you have happened upon a horrific accident just seconds after it occurred. You leap from your car, dash to the demolished vehicle with your heart pumping and adrenaline racing, lean close to the driver’s side window, take a deep breath, and . . .

Hesitate. God only knows what you’re going to see. And hear. For many of us, there is a split second before you reach inside the car and offer what help you can, and then actually doing it. For me, watching McCain-Obama or Palin-Biden go at it in a debate is ninety minutes of that same split second. True, I’m not going to find during these debates someone’s head has skittered twenty yards down the road away from his body or a CD-player is implanted right where a kidney is supposed to be. But for some reason these debates more so than others in years past feel like an accident waiting to happen. Kind of like a NASCAR race. 70 million people watching, and everyone tuning in for the wreck.

So I don’t watch. What I do is go to bed that night and conjure up images of the kind of debate I’d really like to see, if only once. A portion of it goes something like this:

Tom Brokaw, Moderator: “Mr. Obama, let me turn to you. As you know, we’re experiencing the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression. The next President is going to have his hands full just trying to keep the economy from going right off the cliff, taking the American people with it. What specifically do you plan to do to prevent this from happening?”

Obama: “Got me. There’s really not all that much a President can do in this situation. It’s a big economy, you know? The market forces out there are bigger than any one man can affect, even a President.”

Brokaw: “Are you sure that’s your answer?”

Obama: “Yes, quite sure.”

McCain: “I’d like to take a stab at that. I agree with Barack. We both voted for the bail out bill, but that’s because we had to. Other than that, like I’ve said, I don’t know a lot about economics, but I know enough to say we’re basically powerless when trying to influence a $14 trillion economy. Let’s not kid ourselves.”

Brokaw: “OK, those weren’t exactly the answers I was expecting. But let’s move on to foreign policy. Let’s talk Iraq. Senator Obama, you’ve stated over and over that you think Iraq was a terrible mistake and that John McCain is responsible for the whole mess.”

Obama: “Yes, I did say that. But I want to take it back.”

Brokaw: “You what?”

Obama: “I said I want to take it back, Tom.”

Brokaw: “You can’t do that. You’re on national TV. There are over 50 million people watching. This is supposed to be a debate.”

AHK-MA-DINNY-JOB

Obama: “Well, I got to thinking. I’m a lawyer, not a general. I just don’t know a whole lot about fighting wars. I mean, I know as much as the next guy. I can pronounce “Iranian President Ahmadinejad,” but that’s because I practiced it with Michelle probably 1,000 times before coming on stage tonight.”

McCain: “Hell, I can’t even say it. “AHK-MA-DINNY-JOB, AH-MY-JINNY-BOB.” See?.”

Brokaw: “Neither of you are making my job easy. Let’s turn to taxes. I know the two of you are at each other’s throats over the issue of taxes. You can’t deny that. I’ve seen your commercials.  So take your best shots. Mr. Obama?”

Obama: “John and I were talking back stage-”

Brokaw: “I see.”

McCain: “As we understand it, the President of the U.S. makes $400,000 per year. Is that correct?”

Brokaw: “I have heard that, but what-”

McCain: “Then we want to exempt the $399,000 to $401,000 bracket from taxation.”

Brokaw: “That’s absurd. Mr. Obama, are you planning on going along with this self serving approach?”

Obama: “Well, I had to think long and hard about it, but, yes. I am still for giving a tax break to the lower and middle class. But I think this other bracket deserves some real attention too.”

McCain: “Tom, to be frank with you, $400,000 is not a lot of money. It may seem like it to many, but it is peanuts for pay when we are talking about the job of leading the free world.”

Obama: “Are we back on foreign policy? I thought we already covered foreign policy.”

McCain: “Yes, let’s move on.  Health care. I’d like to talk about our major differences in health care.”

Brokaw: “Thank God. Go right ahead.”

McCain: “Barack and I have switched positions since the last debate.”

Brokaw: “You’re kidding me, right?”

Obama: “No, he’s not kidding. I am beginning to think universal health care would be a mistake. I don’t think we can afford to launch a major clean energy program and have national health care at the same time. One of them has to go.”

McCain: “And I’m 72 years old. I’m starting to warm up to the idea of health care for anyone who wants it.”

Brokaw: “Gentlemen. I have to tell you, in all my years of moderating Presidential debates, I have never seen such a sorry excuse for a debate, and you are dreaming if you think the American people will put up with-”

McCain: “Don’t worry about it, Tom. The gentleman writing this story is the one dreaming and by the time he wakes up in the morning, it will be all over.”

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