Fred Bayone, Editor, Style and Entertainment
Like almost 10 million other Americans this year, I am a victim of identity theft.
It’s happening thousands of times a day. It starts with someone getting ahold of your Social Security number, a cancelled check, a PIN number, or a credit card. From there, they take on your identify and proceed to run up a tab that would make Bill Gates blush.
Identity theft takes another victim
Your life is never the same again.
What a mess. Anyone who has gone through this terrible ordeal and lived to survive can tell you how difficult it is to piece your life back together once someone has essentially stolen it.
The misery of having to convince your creditors, banks, credit card companies, utilities, and favorite stores that it was not you who bounced all those checks or ran up all those unpaid bills is just a nightmare. Like the old expression goes “What office do I go to get my reputation back?”
Fortunately for me, getting my life back started with the police catching the guy who stole my identity. He was caught red-handed. I was even lucky enough to be asked to go down to the precinct headquarters and identify him before they carted him off to jail. Looking through a one-way mirror, my fiance’ and I were offered the chance to peer into and listen in on the interrogation session in which this slime ball was forced to come clean. Here’s an excerpt from that transcript:
Detective: “. . . So do you understand your rights?”
Slime ball: “Yeah, yeah. Let’s get on with it.”
Classic "slime ball" interrogation
Detective: “OK, so where have you been in the last twenty-four hours, and when did you first start using Mr. Bayone’s name for unlawful purposes.”
Slime ball: “It all started when I made the mistake of placing a bet with a bookie on this Sunday’s game with the Jets. I tell the guy I’m this guy Fred Bayone, and he just about comes through the phone screaming bloody murder at me. Something about owing him $25,000.”
Um, yeah. That bet.
Slime ball: “He tracks me down through caller ID, and the next thing I know, he’s standing there at my front door with an axe in his hand. And I swear to Jesus there is six or seven other bill collectors behind him in line yelling and screaming for Bayone like they pissed their pants. I guess word got out. So I beat feet out the back door.”
Detective: “OK. Then what happened?”
Slime ball: “I bolt down the alley, and duck into a bar on the corner. I order one lousy beer using a credit card with this guy Bayone’s name on it, and the bartender sees the name and comes across the bar at me with a baseball bat.”
Detective: “For ordering a beer?”
Slime ball: “Thats what I’m thinking. Then he starts in on me on how I must be the guy who got his sister pregnant when she was 16, and that he was gonna break my legs. I started-”
"The Fred Bayone?"
Sixteen?
[Our story pauses here for a moment for a striking blow against Mr. Bayone from said fiance' followed by screaming, violent, tearful exit of said fiance.].
Slime ball: “I guess she was a stripper. “Juicy Galore” is what the guy is yelling while he’s hammering me with this bat.”
Detective: “So is that where the patrolman picked you up?”
Slime ball: “I wish. So I figure I should try my luck at this guy’s bank. I run across the street to the Bank of America to make a withdrawal on this guy’s account. Trouble is, the teller calls the manager on me because this Bayone, this S.O.B., is $5,000 overdrawn.”
Maybe it was not such a good idea to come down here . . .
Detective: “You’re kidding me.”
Slime ball: “No I ain’t. I mean, now I start thinking “Has this guy no shame?” I mean, for Chrissake’s, I’m thinking who is this crook and what kind of mess does he got me tied into.”
Detective: “OK, then what?”
Slime ball: “I get a call from my brother who says a truck has just towed my car right out in front of my house. I mean, like I blow my lid. Apparently, this guy Bayone’s six months behind on his car payments, and the repo-man comes and gets my car. I mean where is the justice? When I get my hands on this guy, I swear-”
Detective: “Alright, calm down. When we’re done here, you can file a civil complaint against Mr. Bayone for the car.”
File a what?
Slime ball: “Lemme tell you. This guy hasn’t heard the last of me. I’m gonna sue. I swear I’m gonna sue.”
Detective: “Fine, fine. Finish your story.”
Slime ball: “So I got no choice. I’m miles from my house now, and I swear I got a broken foot from that beating in the bar. So I steal a car – just to get me home, mind you – and then I get pulled over by the cops for speeding. By you guys.”
Detective: “It says here they arrested you for two outstanding warrants – both for indecent exposure and urinating in a public place.”
This is not going to be pretty.
"Mr. Bayone, please step out of the car"
Slime ball: “Wrong guy. It’s that pervert Bayone. When they pulled me over I gave them the license I had made up with his name on it. The next thing I know they cuff me and tell me to keep my peter in my pants. That’s all they kept saying “Keep your peter in your pants, Mr.”
Detective: “I see. Officer, could you bring Mr. Bayone in here and-”
Like so many others these days, I am a victim of identity theft.
Copyright 2008 – The Saturday Morning Post – All Rights Reserved
We have unlimited cash and bad banks now. They have a brimstone firestone preacher from the east and next big things. Print unlimited newspapers for the unlimited crime wave about to come. He lied, she lied and we all lied. Now it’s a game changer. Washington has turned dangerous, so all we can do find safety in a minute man. Time to put some beer on ice and put a Washington pig in the ground. There’s unlimited porking and printing now. Stop the presses. They met at Harvard and decided to take over the world and the world had other ideas. Doesn’t it always?
Nothing changed here in 8 years. Now it’s all the pig with the lipstick and she’s in cahoots with this one and that one with purple lips spreading propaganda. Even the news is lying to cover all bases. Extra extra, stop the presses. What a bunch of rats in Washington. The banking deal means government picks winners and losers. Look at your numbers and you will see that the losers are picking the winners. Everybody go home now and we’ll take care of business later. They’re going to print unlimited cash and fill the bad banks. I guess you keep following the logic and you print more and more copies of the Post and lose unlimited money in on the deal. It’s even worse than it looks. Time for some deleveraging. Maybe the Post can put their cash into a bad bank and print stories about how good is bad. It looks like a downward spiral because it is. You may need a bailout. It just won’t be bailfast. Print unlimited cash and print corrections. Stop the presses, it’s over with. We know all about the infidelity and it’s discouraging. It’s going to get more discouraging and the losses will grow. We tried.
It looks like bad times. Ho ho ho, the next you know it will be Christmas and Washington has decided to ruin that for the kids. The kids here are race rioting in the school thanks to the propaganda and video game ads. Keep locked and loaded and stop those dam presses. Have fidelity and courage. It’s the opposite in Washington. Even the papers are going toxic. More papers and more toxic assets shall follow the numbers down. The pig sucks until the two of them bleed dry. It’s a bloody mess and it’s looking bloodier. It’s a war out there, so support the troops.
We’re thinking that between our efforts at Writing Frontier’s and yours, we got this theft thing covered. We’ll take identify theft, and you go after the rest.
SMPr
I appreciate you bringing light to the subject matter of ID Theft. I empathize for you being a ID theft victim. There are tons of purported solutions out there and consumers are confused and paralyzed. Less than 10% of Americans have any protection at all and it is time for a true solution. If folks insure their ar, home, health and life they ought to insure their good name as it is 100 times more likely to fall into the hands of ID thiefs. I have ideas and solutons my team has worked on for years and should you or anyone else like to take a stand I invite you to join us.
Thank you kindly for the offer. Mr. Bayone, who is temporarily indisposed at the moment at the County Jail, will be in touch with you as soon as he is, um, released.
SMP
The numbers went down fast today. I bought a big load of dirt for fifteen dollars. One piece of paper for one big pile of earth and paper change back to spare. A smooth simple transaction. A socialist suggested that cash could be a problem. You can pay for dirt with cash, just don’t try paying people with dirt. Simpler is best, just as long as it works and dirt always does the job. God delivered just enough rain that mud became a threat. I tarped the load and had a rum. The rain passed and the sun shined. I buzzed, went for coffee then finished the job. There is grief in the falling leaves and that will keep me busy. As for the rest, I believe we will need to count on the minds greater than mine at Harvard to sort out the sorted affairs of the miracle economy. It is the best of times and it is worst of times. The best opportunities can come from the worst crisis if we have faith in the future. Crisis, “It’s a-it’s a bad side of human nature.” Great Expectations mean that opportunities are still possible. The future is fearless, so there is freedom from fear and want here in the United States. The rest of the world is another matter beyond my understanding. I’m just local and all the local newspapers are gone. They made money and then stopped making money. Now your stock isn’t worth the paper they didn’t print it on and it’s trading faster than the future can count the losses. We can’t just add more computers and solve the problem. The computers are counting the losses faster than we could. We may just need to add more computers just to keep up with the losses. I sure miss the old local paper. Those were the days. Now it’s all bubbles and next it will be no bibles if we quit printing. I had ink on my feet before I had a name. It’s sort of a baptism by ink and I have the paper. It’s one of those things that you don’t sell and you can’t put a price on. You never know what’s next, you only know who comes first. Babies are important and people are fighting about money. The babies aren’t paying for the bailout. It’s pay now or pay later. The lady selling the dirt wanted paid now and the dirt will be where I put it later. Nobody seems to want to pay now. They’re really paying now one way or another. It looks like we’ve gone from identity theft to time theft. Love is timeless and there is the opportunity. The crisis is hate. Terrorism is doomed. Capitalism is opportunity and seeks the highest yield. Government drags us down at the highest possible cost. Our entire local economy has been taxed into ruins.
I’m thinking take my identity. I can create more of those. Just don’t take my time.
SMP
I’m thinking take my business. I can create more of those. Just don’t take my money.
If Writing Frontier creates a business section, I’ll create a new identity. Day Dream? Thank you.
There is a Rodney Dangerfield line in here somewhere.
SMP
Hi Writing Frontier,
We all know that identity theft is no joke, but this incident sounds like a movie I watched not so long ago. Hopefully, everything is well with your situation now.
Everything is OK now. I have stolen the identity of Brad Pitt and am truly enjoying myself. Should have done it sooner.
SMP
I’ve stolen the ID of one Mr. Bruce Wayne. I’m enjoying myself as the city goes batty. With any luck, I’ll see Robin this winter and it will be a white Christmas. I am dreaming of a white Christmas. There’s a good chance it could be a green Christmas. Not as green as before though. The Grinch is trying to steal Christmas again.
The Grinch, a bitter, cave-dwelling creature with a heart “two sizes too small,” lives on snowy Mount Crumpit, a steep, 3,000-foot (910 m) high mountain just north of Whoville, home of the merry and warm-hearted Whos. His only companion is Max, his faithful dog. From his perch high atop Mount Crumpit, the Grinch can hear the noisy Christmas festivities that take place in Whoville. (The Whos of this book may or may not be the minuscule Whos of Horton Hears a Who; In the Broadway musical Seussical, the Grinch’s Whos and Horton’s are one and the same, the Grinch being microscopic and living on the dust speck as well. In the live-action movie, Whoville is located in a snowflake.) Envious of the Whos’ happiness, he makes plans to descend on the town and, by means of burglary, deprive them of their Christmas presents and decorations and thus “prevent Christmas from coming”. However, he learns in the end that despite his success in stealing all the Christmas presents and decorations from the Whos, Christmas comes just the same.
The oracle says buy stock, we overspent for votes this year and need more money. Save your money for Christmas.
I think it was a good idea to steal Bruce Wayne’s identity this year instead of Batman’s as the market for identity theft on Batman is through the roof this year. I have seen more ten year-olds and younger donning the costume as of late which might, I admit, be in preparation for Halloween, but might not. Cheers.
SMP
Get ready for Christmas. You never know what path Santa will take so we need NORAD
http://www.northpole.com/NoradSanta.asp
Christmas cheers and troubles disappear at least for a day. I have something for Christmas Eve, if I can ever find her. I keep looking, so it is a challenge. Such is life Writing Frontier.
Let us know if you can’t find her. We’ll send you one.
SMP
Thanks. For now I’ll keep looking and I’m enjoying the challenge. I’m real busy right now. Things should slow down in December, so I’ll take a rain check or a snow check and get back to you then. Then again. Who did you have in mind? You can always make time for a woman and with this economy you can’t always make money. Two heads are better than one, so it could an advantage now and a lost cause later. Now is better even though they keep saying it’s bad. For some maybe. Love life.
We have two Salma Hayeks and one Melissa Theuriau available.
SMP
Isn’t Melissa married? She’s selling angels.
http://www.melissa-theuriau.fr/en-keep-lucky.html
I have a book from 1917. “The proceeds of this book will be devoted to helping the orphan children of France through the different associations organized for that purpose.” My great grandfather was in France for World War One. The mission to help the suffering children never ends. There are still a lot of orphans in the world, which is amazing considering how much progress we have made since 1917.
Here’s an ID nobody can steal.
http://www.peakfinder.com/showpeakbyid.asp?MtnId=496
There is a Joffre Avenue in New Jersey.
1920
“The Parent-Teacher Public Library of Milltown is organized. On Oct. 28 the library opens in the Joyce Kilmer School, across the street from the current library building.”
The Joyce Kilmer Memorial is in Allegheny County, PA
“Three stone slabs arranged in a semi-circle on the edge of a small circular plaza. The low center slab holds an open book made of bronze and inscribed with Kilmer’s poem, “Trees.” Each of the symmetrical slabs on either side holds a plaque. One is a brass plaque with a relief portrait of Kilmer, the soldier-poet (1886-1918), wearing his helmet and military uniform. The other is an inscription plaque which describes Kilmer’s death near Ouray France in 1918. The small circular plaza in front of the memorial is rimmed with two benches and has a flag pole in the middle.”
http://siris-artinventories.si.edu/ipac20/ipac.jsp?uri=full=3100001~!321056!0
Interesting connections.
We live in a world of things, and our only connection with them is that we know how to manipulate or to consume them.
Erich Fromm
We know how to produce things. That’s where the power is. The power to create is freedom. A world of creation and production creates security. The politics of fear is now being played out. First you make the country appear weak and then you spread fear. You end up with a crisis that only they can solve. They created it after all. There is plenty of opportunity out there. Obama raised $150 million in September and all he does is talk. There’s an ocean of money out there. I guess talk isn’t cheap these days.
Oh my.
If this is the stuff that you can’t make up, I feel really sorry for you. Talk about id theft going wrong.
I do feel bad about you and your fiance. You really, truly suffered a double blow. I hope you talked about it with him and hopefully it is not true, so you can continue your lives together. If it is true, I hope you dumped him and moved on are recovering.
Apparently when things go wrong, no one really anticipates how wrong they can go. I’d be practically catatonic if a family member of mine did that foul practice the slime ball talked about. Not to mention devastated at how ruined my life would be.
What ever happened to getting a job and building your credit like everyone else, with rent/mortgage payments, and car payments, tax payments, life/death/dismemberment insurance payments and property purchases, and bill autopay, and savings accounts, and IRAs and 401ks?? If you want to get rich quick, marry a wealthy person, or hit the lotto, or open your own businesses and work it like hell to get the money you want, then buy other businesses, or become a real estate developer and really get rich. Or win some money on a game show – that doesn’t hurt.
You don’t have to ruin somebody’s life to get the money you want. It’s not worth it.
Sad to say, my dear M, the fiance’ in question stole away, married another man, and took on an entirely different identity. Another case of “stolen identity.” And so the story goes.
SMP
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[...] Becky R wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptWhat ever happened to getting a job and building your credit like everyone else, with rent/mortgage payments, and car payments, tax payments, life/death/dismemberment insurance payments and property purchases, and bill autopay, … [...]