The Saturday Morning Post

From our Washington Desk

The following is a transcript from a wishful hearing of the House Financial Services Committee regarding the $25 billion Detroit auto bailout proposal before Congress:

Chairman Barney Frank: I’d like to call on our next witness, Mrs. Oprah Winfrey, to make her opening statement.”

Mrs. Winfrey: “Thank you, Mr. Chairman.    While I was not born in Detroit, I can tell you that-”

Rep. Peter King (R-NY):  Excuse me, Mr. Chairman.  I’m sorry to interrupt.  I have great admiration for Mrs. Winfrey, but why in God’s name is she testifying before us on a bail out bill for Chrysler, Ford, and GM?”

Chairman Frank: “If the gentleman from New York will hold his tongue for a moment and let the witness speak, I’m sure he will find out.”

Mrs. Winfrey: “As I was saying, I’m not from Detroit, but I do know something about giving away cars.  I have given away hundreds on my show and it’s really quite easy.  What you do is you gather a lot of people in a studio audience and you-”

Rep. Deborah Pryce (R-OH):  “I thought the bill under consideration would give away money, not cars, Mr. Chairman.”

Chairman Frank: “If the gentle lady will yield, yes, it was originally our intent to simply provide money directly to these car companies so that they survive this financial crisis.  However, we have amended that bill to provide a benefit not only to “the Big Three” in Detroit, but to the American consumer as well.”

Rep. Price: “I see, and how does this work.”

Chairman Frank: “Well, as Mrs. Winfrey was about to explain in her testimony, our plan is to have the government purchase $25 billion worth of cars from GM, Chrysler, and Ford, and then give them away to everyone that qualifies.  By our estimates, 1.25 million people will get a free car, and Detroit will get their $25 billion.”

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA):  “If I may, given this is my amendment, I would like to speak to it, Mr. Chairman.”

Chairman Frank: “Please go right ahead.”

Rep Waters: “The “Oprah approach” is the most economical way for us to help both the auto makers, and those in need.  To qualify for a free car, a person must meet one of four tests.  They must have have a family income of less than $32,000.  Or, they must own a car with greater than 100,000 miles that has broken down more than once in the last year.  Or, they must be behind on their car payments by over three months.  Or, finally, they must have lost their home to foreclosure in the last four weeks.”

Rep. King: “Foreclosure?  Didn’t we already bail out all the people going through foreclosure with the $700 billion we approved in October?  Why give them a free car as well?”

Rep. Waters:  “That was for people couldn’t afford the home they bought in the first place and who are likely going to lose it in the future.  This amendment will ensure that those who have already lost their home will have something to sleep in  –  an SUV or a Hummer – some sort of large model car that will fit a family for four or five.”

Mrs. Winfrey: “I want to assure this entire panel that you will make 1.25 million friends for life.  The look on the faces of these people when they get a free car is just priceless.  They start screaming and hollering, and just about pee in their pants.  It’s something you’ll never forget.”

Rep. King:  “Well, I was going to say this was a really stupid idea, but now that I think of it-”

Rep. Waters:  “And there is another benefit with this program as well.  Detroit has been building these massive gas-guzzlers for years because we’ve refused to hold them to fuel efficiency standards.  Now that nobody’s buying them because filling the tank three times per week is as expensive as paying the mortgage, we have leveled the playing field for everyone, homeowners and car owners alike.”

Rep. Bachus (R-AL)  “What about options?  Leather seating, surround sound, climate control?”

Chairman Frank: “Staff has informed me we can get these cars fully loaded, the whole works, for an additional $75 million.”

Rep. Waters: “I would welcome an amendment to add these custom accessories to the bill.”

Rep. Bachus: “How about trade-ins?  Will we take trade-ins?  I’m sure our constituents will ask.”

Chairman Frank: “The Department of Defense has made a request that we accept trade-ins and that we send them to Iraq.  After five years of car bombings, there are apparently only twenty-seven cars left in Bagdad, and people need a way to get around.”

Rep. Waters: “Mr. Chairman, I move that we accept the amendment on the options package and I ask for a roll call vote on the Oprah Omnibus Detroit Bailout and Reconciliation bill before us.”

Chairman Frank: “All in favor say “Aye.”  All opposed say “No.”  It appears the “Ayes” have it.  The Clerk will read the next matter before the Committee.”

Clerk: “A bill, sponsored by Rep. Maloney, to provide free coach-class tickets on an airline of their choice to ten million Americans . . .”

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