The Saturday Morning Post

Craig Bengle, Washington Bureau Chief

Craig Bengle manages the Washington bureau of the Saturday Morning Post. Before joining the staff of the Post, Bengle reported for several award-winning publications including the Sherbrooke Daily Record, the Zanesville Times Recorder, and the Gallup Independent.

He has competed in numerous prestigious Investigative Journalism contests and, while having won none, recently placed 27th in the 2007 Online Journalism Awards for his ground breaking work on the history of high school yearbooks. Bengle, a native of Xenia, Ohio, has no hobbies and few interests.

Suzanne Bertrand, Health and Living Correspondent

Suzanne Bertrand comes to us from Us Weekly. While she professes to have no formal background in matters of health, per se, she does believe that “all of us – everyone of us – need our health, and need it badly to live.”

Her scores in interviews during the Post hiring process were among the highest ever recorded for a candidate. A graduate of Marymount University in Arlington, Virginia, Suzanne developed her writing chops at the Northern Virgina Sun, and from there catapulted to the national scene through her work with Playboy magazine, albeit not in a writing role. Pet peeves: “Whoever keeps calling my cell phone and hanging up when I am in the restroom.”

Gordon Mensley, Chief Foreign Correspondent

Gordon Mensley comes to the Post from the Times of London where he delivered the paper for years. His delivery route, known as the famous “Mensley Square,” stretched from Covent Garden to Trafalgar Square to Soho and back again. Before his much-lauded work with the Times (”Never missed a day, never missed a doorstep”), Mensley worked as a bike courier in London’s east end for an international shipping firm with 64 foreign clients.

“Talk about dealing with foreign affairs,” Mensley once said, “if nothing else, it certainly prepared me for this role.” Mensley is on the road for the Post again, having recently received his passport from the United Kingdom Passport Service. His hiatus from the pages of the Saturday Morning Post for two years related to time served in connection with drug charges involving his paper delivery route.

Martina Portamayou, Chief Political Correspondent

Martina Portamayou has covered politics on the national scene for Frontier for 13 years. “And I have resented every minute of it, you know?,” says Portamayou. “I look like a Chief Foreign Correspondent. I am a dead ringer for Christian Amanpour. So what if Mensley has a British accent. He d-e-l-i-v-e-r-s newspapers, for God’s sake. I have my rights, you know? I deserve this, you know?”

Portamayou, a three time winner of the Hearst Journalism Award for investigative reporting, and a former desk editor for our sister publications — the New York Times and Wall Street Journal — has been admittedly bitter since the hiring of Mensley and the creation of the role of Health and Living for Suzanne Bertrand at the Post. “Our lawyers believe we are fully protected in this matter,” says the Post”s Managing Editor, “we will have no further comment beyond that.”

Dr. Adam Bomb, Science and Technology Correspondent

Adam Bomb, a physicist himself, has been reporting on scientific topics since the dawn of the nuclear age. Having worked along side the likes of world-renowned physicists Ernest Lawrence and Neils Bohr, Bomb is a legend at the Post. “I have said repeatedly to everyone at the Post who will listen that the scientists I worked with in my twenties looked like Lawrence and Bohr, carbon copies in fact,” says Bomb, “but I have no idea who they really were. It was so long ago and my memory is not so good.”

Bomb’s scientific treatise on “When Large Objects Meet Small Objects” immortalized the equation now known to even the most casual observers of quantum physics:

(Interested readers may solve for “n” when x = 5.19)

Fred Bayone, Editor, Style and Entertainment

Fred Bayone is new to the Saturday Morning Post. Having served 15 years-to-life as Assistant Managing Editor of the Prison Mirror at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Lino Lakes, MN, Fred is enjoying the freedom offered by writing on entertainment issues, as well as freedom itself.

Fred’s proven reporting skills, as well as his violent criminal record, allowed him to edge out several other award winning candidates vying for the coveted post of Style and Entertainment editor. Unproven threats to the Senior Managing Editor during the hiring process aside, Fred’s word smithing and winning ways have made him a favorite at the Post among staff and readers alike.

Charlene Sizemore, Weather and Traffic

Charlene Sizemore, the Post’s “Weather Girl” also doubles in the role of traffic reporting. She joined the publication in 2007 and hasn’t looked back. “It’s just a thrill to be here working with this kind of talent,” says Charlene. “There’s not much to do at the moment. We are still putting together the pieces on how one actually covers the weather and traffic for a print publication, but we’ll get there.”

Melissa Theuriau, Fashion

Melissa Theuriau, our Fashion Editor and Paris Bureau Chief, is the newest addition to our Editorial team. Although the Saturday Morning Post has virtually no subscribers in France, we could care less. We stole her from TV magazine Zone interdite and pay her an enormous sum of money to read the daily news in French from a tiny little video box on our front page. We plan to do this until hell freezes over. We have no idea what she’s saying and, pardon our French, we couldn’t give a crap.

Contessa Samarjian

Contessa Samarjian, formerly of “Contessa’s Palm and Tarot Readings of Burbank,” writes the monthly Astrology column for the Post from our Los Angeles office.  “Soothsayer for the Stars,” Connie has provided astrological guidance for such well-knowns as Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Salma Hayek, and Hillary Clinton. Known for her uncanny ability to predict the future, Contessa made front page news in 1995 with her prediction that President Bill Clinton would be impeached for receiving oval sex in the Oral Office.  “I lost Hillary as a client over that one,” Contessa muses.  “She confided in me they hadn’t had sex in ten years, and didn’t plan to.  That I had lost my touch.  So I was off by a single letter.  Whatever.  Shows what she knows.”