Dr. Crabby Montgomery
Dr. Crabby Montgomery’s award winning personal advice column appears each Thursday in the Saturday Morning Post. Are you a reader with a vexing problem at work or home who could use some common sense advice or wisdom from Crabby? Have a neighbor threatening you with gardening tools? On the run from the law? Impregnated your son’s kindergarten teacher and looking for tips on how to handle the conversation with your wife? Crabby’s here for you. Just send your questions and concerns to “Dear Crabby” in our “Comments” box below.
Dear Crabby:
We have run out of ideas and patience. Our eight-year old son, Matthew, continues to wet his bed. Each morning when he wakes, it’s always the same story. Embarrassment, anger, tears, and that putrid smell of stale urine which seems to fill the house. We have tried everything from counseling to days of liquid deprivation, and it’s no use. He has had to turn down invitations to sleep-overs with friends because of the certain humility and taunting he would face in the morning. Nothing seems to work. Help!
Signed,
Sad About the Sheets (Kilene, TX)
Dear “Sad About the Sheets:”
Sounds like you’ve got yourself a real bed-wetter. I’m sure this boy — better yet, this pansy — is just humiliating your family to no end. It says something about you that you have raised such a weakling, so the sooner you do something about this, the better for your self image as a parent. While there are old wives tales that falsely point to remedies for this problem, in the end it’s a simple fact that the child is going to have to be shamed into submission. The most fool-proof cure for bed wetting given his advanced years is to buy a large box of 50-gallon plastic trash bags (two ply) and get to work. When you put the child down for the night, strip both the bed and the child completely. Force the child into the bag and seal the end with one of the twist ties provided. The child might complain that breathing is difficult, in which case a single hole or two the size of a nickel can be poked in the top to allow sufficient air into the bag. No toys, food, drinks, or blankets are allowed in the bag with the child. After repeating this procedure for 3-5 days, the child will be broken of the habit.
.
Dear Crabby:
Over one-half of our dorm here at the University of Virginia rocked the vote this year. Call us the “Obama Army” and consider Virginia “red” because of us. We knocked on doors across campus, we canvassed students at malls, we registered youth voters, we did it all. These past two months have been “Obama-mania” for us. We are the “O” generation. We are empowered. We are changing the world! But now that the campaign is over, I’m said to say it feels like the party’s over. Many of my friends have had to get counseling to handle the depression that accompanies the void that the making a difference during the campaign filled in all of us. Advice?
Signed,
Concerned Co-Ed (Charlottesville, VA)
.
Dear “Concerned Co-Ed:”
I’m sure that you and your friends are proud of the contribution you feel you’ve made to making a difference in America. Unfortunately for you, now that the data on the election results is in, all that excitement you felt about making a difference was just a charade. You don’t need to be a political science major to know that there was no statistically significant increase in voting among youth in 2008 vs. four years ago. Instead of all that time spent handing out brochures in the pouring rain you should have been doing what your parents paid that enormous tuition for — getting high and getting laid.
.
Dear Crabby:
I guess you could call me a “winner.” I have been on the Jenny Craig diet for 6 months and have lost a total of 210 pounds. Here’s my picture to prove it (photo attached). Admittedly, I still have a “weigh” to go (pardon the pun!!!!!! I tipped the scales this morning at 288 lbs.) But all this weight loss has totally changed my attitude about life. No longer hiding from the public, I am young, I am single, and I am ready to meet that special guy. I know nothing about these on-line dating services like Match.com, and am wondering if you think those services really work.
Signed,
Ready to Date (Sioux City, Iowa)
.
Dear “Ready to Date:”
Don’t waste your money with on-line dating services. Unfortunately, the inspiration you are feeling right now is a euphoric symptom of your temporary weight loss rather than anything real. Over 95 percent of all grossly obese people in your situation regain an equal or greater amount of weight within 6 months and return to their sad, pitiful state. Having seen the photo of you in a wrestling match with those jeans is proof positive that you will be no exception.
.
Dear Crabby:
Our beautiful starter home, one we’ve saved for five years to buy, is now worth less than we paid for it. My husband is partially disabled and recently lost his job. We can’t make the mortgage payment. The bank has threatened to foreclose. We have taken up collections in the neighborhood, held bake sales, garage sales, and even put our children to work washing cars in the neighborhood to scrape together the funds to keep our beloved home. Unfortunately, we’re falling short. There is a a despicable man in the neighborhood who has had his eye on our house and wants to take advantage of our situation. He has come by to take pictures of our home without our permission, and I am sure is just ready to pounce once it goes into foreclosure. He has offered us $100,000, which is $100,000 less than we paid for it!!!! How do we stop this monster?
Signed,
Down and Out (Cherry Ave, Peoria, Illinois)
Dear “Down and Out:”
Are you familiar with “Google Maps” and its new “Street View?” We’re looking at your home right now! Isn’t that cool? If you can be out by this coming Saturday, we’ll give you $39,000 for it.
.
Dear Crabby:
I belong to a small group of young mothers who get together at the playground once a week with our children for a play date. It’s exhilirating to get out of the house and spend time with good friends who can relate to the issues of raising a child. Our children range from age 3 to age 8. My problem is this. One young boy, who shall remain nameless, displays the traits of being a real bully – throwing sand in my daughter’s face, stealing the toys of other children, even punching and kicking children smaller and younger than him. His mother, a good friend of our’s who lives just down the street, is blind to her son’s bully tactics and refuses to reprimand him. I want to confront her over her unwillingness to discipline the child, but am afraid of losing a friend. Any advice?
Signed,
Mad Mother(Coos Bay, Oregon)
.
Dear Mad Mother:
Here’s the solution. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, confront your friend over her child’s behavior. Nine times out of ten the kind of advice this mother needs is unappreciated and goes unheeded. If you value your friendship, say absolutely nothing. Instead, the next time you attend this weekly play date, bring the largest purse you own, and pack it with a couple of bricks, three if they will fit. When the child’s mother has her head turned or is distracted for a moment, whack her snot-nosed little brat in the head with your purse with as much force as you can muster. I mean, really lay into him. He’ll cry for days and that’ll end all the fuss.
.
Dear Crabby:
My husband and I are investment bankers who were recently laid off from our jobs at Lehman Bros. on Wall Street during all of the turmoil of this financial crisis. While we have lost our jobs, we consider ourselves lucky because our high salaries from the past plus our wonderful bonuses throughout the years have allowed us to put together quite a nice “nest egg” for rainy day occasions like this. I admit, we are more fortunate than most others. Now we have moving on our mind, and are on a quest to find the most unique and hospitable town in America in which to settle and raise our two wonderful kids. Suggestions?
Signed,
On the Move (NY, NY)
.
Dear “On the Move:”
Let’s see. How about Hell, you greedy, good-for-nothing turd? How about “nesting” yourself there?
.
Dear Crabby:
I am a single mom with a 14 year-old daughter who is just as cute as a button and full of life. She’s popular at school, does well with her grades, and is a great help around the house. I couldn’t be more proud of how she’s handled the tough years of an early teen. However, I was recently surprised when I came home from work to find her at home alone with a boy from her class. I caught them “necking” (I hope that doesn’t date me!!!) on the couch in front of the TV. She knows the rules – no boys at home without my permission or when I’m not home. Is this the beginning of teen rebellion, or just a one time thing from an otherwise terrific child?
Signed,
A little bit nervous (Arlington, VA)
Dear “A little bit nervous”:
You have a slut on your hands. I have heard from thousands of single mothers in your same sad position over the years, and in every single case it has turned out they were unwittingly raising a slut. Not much you can do about it. About the best you can do is enroll your child in teen parenting classes, get a crib, and get ready to paint the extra bedroom or den pink or blue.
-
Dear Crabby:
Help! My husband and I started an innocent NFL betting pool in our neighborhood at the beginning of this season as a lark. Our interest was in finding a way for everyone on our street to get to know each other better and come together more closely as a community. Had we only known! What started out as a small effort involving a dollar here and there on a couple of games on Sunday has turned into a huge affair. So many of our neighbors and friends have gotten interested that the pool each week is up to $10,000 and it has darn near become a full time job for my husband and our five children to run the betting pool. We are so thankful we have gotten to meet our neighbors and make some new friends, but I’m afraid it’s getting out of hand and is just way too much work. What do you suggest?
Signed,
Place your Bets (Mobile, AL)
Dear “Place your Bets”:
I have heard of idiots before, but this takes the cake. You have unwittingly involved yourself and your entire family in highly illegal activity. The State of Alabama punishes even first time organized off-track betting offenders (ASC Code 198-B-42) to the fullest extent of the law and there is every reason to believe that all involved, including any of your children who participated, will be going to jail or juvenile detention facilities. We debated for a moment whether or not to inform the authorities in this matter and felt obligated to provide your letter, including name, address and telephone number to the State Attorney’s office in Mobile, AL. You will be hearing from them directly within three business days. Go Broncos!
Dear Crabby:
My husband and I are about at the end of our rope. Our teenage son was recently arrested for drug possession. We have tried just about everything in our power, from Scared Straight programs to Outward Bound. We love our son dearly and will go to any length to get him on the right path, but nothing seems to work. What else can we try?
Signed,
Desperate (Tulsa, OK)
Dear “Desperate”:
I get the sense that the two of you are just lousy parents. Sometimes it’s that simple. Have you ever stopped to consider that it might have been your backwards raising of the child in the first place? Few parents do. If he is as incorrigible as you say he is, you have obviously done something wrong. He is likely a danger to himself, your neighbors, frankly – your whole community. My advice is that you should accept your responsibility for this, be ashamed of your failures, and move on.
Dear Crabby:
After twenty wonderful years of marriage, I just know my husband is drifting from me. I am just about to turn the corner at 50 years old, and starting to suspect that he is having an affair. We live in a small town (Xenia, Ohio) and I am so fearful that I am going to have my suspicions confirmed by a dear friend or relative before my husband, who I still adore, comes clean with me. Should I simply trust him and hope for the best, or should I begin to follow him or even hire a private investigator?
Signed,
Distraught (Xenia, OH)
Dear “Distraught”:
Thank you for writing. We traced your IP address back to your home computer and know that while you are “Distraught,” you are also Mrs. Barbara Blogonovich of 2342 Willow Way, Xenia, Ohio. It is common knowlege, indeed we can confirm, that your husband Robert is having an affair involving sexual relations with a Ms. Jennifer Aston of 108 Alpine Street, Apartment 5B, Xenia, Ohio. Find herein a photo of Ms. Aston. My advice is that you not kid yourself. Pack it up. It’s over. You live in a small town, and this is going to be hugely embarassing.
Dear Crabby:
You think you are funny, don’t you? I have been reading your supposed “advice” columns for several months now and I think you’re a joke. Not only are you a rude, angry person, but the advice you dole out to people who are simply seeking some help in their lives is just plain ridiculous. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Signed,
Had Enough (La Jolla, CA)
Dear “Had Enough”:
Your father and I are having dinner at the McGarry’s house tonight. I put some chicken and a potato in the oven for you. When you get home, set the temperature at 350 degrees for one hour. See you when we get home.
Dear Crabby:
Barney
We need some advice regarding our cherished dog, Barney. (I’ve enclosed a photo for you). Our problem is two-fold. Barney is not only very clever, he’s also quite an athlete for his size. He has learned to jump the six-foot fence in our backyard, and has escaped several times in the past month. To make matters worse, our neighbors have grown quite angry because Barney has gotten into their trash and on one or two occasions left “droppings” here and there on their lawns. One has called Animal Control and become quite irate; another actually kicked Barney and bruised him badly. We simply cannot bring ourselves to give Barney away, but we also cannot afford to erect a higher fence to keep him in. Advice?
Signed,
Dog-goned Concerned
Dear “Dog-goned Concerned”:
Yeah, right. I’ll give you $50 bucks if that dog can jump over two feet, much less six. In the event that he actually can, you have some kind of mutant circus dog on your hands. You’re going to need to maim him somehow, and badly. That’s the only way they learn. I’m not talking about using a rolled-up newspaper like they teach in obedience school, but rather a large, blunt-edged object that will put an end to this trouble once and for all.
Dear Crabby:
I have been seeing a wonderful man for two years. He is twenty years older than me, but we are madly in love. Or at least I thought we were. Everything between us is just so right so I cannot understand why he has not popped the question. I am beginning to wonder whether he is as committed to the relationship as I am. He often makes excuses as to why he cannot stay the night, and he is out of town so much that I am wondering if he has another woman somewhere and is just afraid to tell me. Should I confront him or leave well enough alone?
Signed,
Lonely in Love (Xenia, OH)
Dear “Lonely in Love”:
Let’s see. Where to begin? If this is who we think it is (see attached photo) then, yes, the jig is up. Your man has some explaining to do. Please refer to our recent response, above, to “Dear Distraught” as you will find you two have much in common.
Max O…
That is all very interesting, but I’m still not totally on board with this….